How to lose customers and influence no one

After tracking down the company's details through a store we supply, I sat down in a comfy chair with my five year warranty card and gave them a call. After giving my basic situtaion I was told I better talk to the boss and was quickly passed along. On came the boss and we were off to a good start ... for 20 seconds anyway. Off went the boss' cell phone and it was "James can you hang on a second?" I agreed, put the phone on speaker and deleted a few emails. A few minutes went by and the boss came back on the line "can you just a hold a minute James" - again I complied and went back to checking my inbox. Another 12 minutes went past and the boss came back on the line "James you still there?" I was still there and I began again. I explained how much we loved his product and what had broken. The boss listened, then began his reply by saying " we have run dry rice through these machines and none have broken". I didn't like the way conversation was heading with his statement and said so in an amicable way. A pause on the line and then "what did you say?!" in a less than impressed tone. I repeated myself, hoping it would help the boss see the error of his customer service phone manner. It didn't. In fact what happened next can only be described as the worst customer service I have ever experienced.

First the boss explained how he had intended to replace the part "sight unseen" (as stipulated on the warranty card no less) but now, because I had called on the day that his receptionist had quit (no prizes for guessing why) and had spoken out of turn during his explanation on why I must have broken the part myself, he was now going to make me return the whole unit for a full assessment to decide whether he would honour the warranty his product was sold with. Sigh.

In the 13 minutes and 27 seconds my phone display had been diligently counting I had also Googled the company and boss I was now being berated by. He had been in business selling health products for almost 30 years and as always in these situations his website announced in proud contradiction "we continually strive to give our customers the finest products and services in the industry". My only issue was how to get him to stand up to his company's battle cry for customer service.

My goal was simple, get a new piece of plastic from this man so my partner could enjoy her morning juice. The boss had shown at a more than adequate volume this was not going to happen at his current rolling boil of emotions. My chance to be a simple customer was shattered and now I had to do his job for him. I explained that I too owned a business in the same industry and that I was sure we could we could sort this out. Fifteen minutes of talking the boss down and we a reached an arrangement. The part would be sent as covered under the remaining four years of the warranty, but before the issue could be put to rest the boss decided to finish his abysmal trip into customer satisfaction with this gem, which to really enjoy you have to imagine it being spoken by the father of a teenage girl grilling her date for the night: "Alright James I will send you the part this time but HEED MY WORDS (he actually said heed) this is the only time I will replace this part. If you need a part in the future you will have to pay for it". I was speechless, at least figuratively. All I could do was cling on to the promise of the little plastic part that would soon be coming in the mail and bid this relic adieu.

A few weeks later the part arrived. Along with two free drink bottles. Perhaps the relic had finally read his own company's mission statement.

James Crow is the Auckland-based entrepreneur behind Pot of Gold skin balm. He blogs about life as a startup entrepreneur each week for Unlimited.

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